On my facebook page, where it asks about your political affiliations, I wrote “Do I look like a feminist?” Initially, I meant it as a joke – for I am a Man and I have a Mustache! How could one such as I possibly be a feminist?! HERP DERP! Now it’s actually a legitimate question. DO I look like a feminist? Because I am one, mustache and all.

I used to look askance at men who self-described as feminists. (In many cases, I kinda still do.) It always seemed to me that they were just saying that to get women to like them, to sleep with them. (In many cases, that’s exactly what they’re doing.) These men exist, sadly. They use all the jargon of a women’s studies syllabus and pretend to like Ani DiFranco and one day, they show their true colours when they whip out their dick. Oh, they don’t RAPE anybody, they just “fail to obtain consent”. Notable examples include Jian Ghomeshi and Julian Assange.

I used to think feminists were AGAINST men. Sadly, a lot of people (including women, for some reason) still think this way. It’s not true, of course. Yes, there are some feminists who hate men. Then again, I hate men, too. (A cursory glance at any history book or today’s newspaper should provide ample evidence to hate men.) I also hate everybody, up to and including God, the Devil and myself so maybe I’m a bad example. My point is: for the last time, NO, feminists don’t hate men. But men sure hate feminists.

It’s been a horrible time to be a woman recently (“he said, understating the case astronomically”). At the same time, women have freedoms unheard of, undreamt of fifty years ago. Still, it’s not enough. It’s a good start, maybe. Progress rarely moves in a straight line, mainly because there are too many things in its way, trying to stop it. But progress is inexorable, inevitable. It has to be. We have to believe that it is inevitable and that one day, we’ll all relax in the Promised Land. Until then, we can’t give up because it’s demoralizing, we can’t take progress for granted or else it will magically disappear, we can’t stop working because we’re busy patting ourselves on the back about all the progress we’ve made. I guess we have to pry every mind open, one at a time, until they see the light. Hand me the crow-bar, I’ll start with Rush Limbaugh.

Me calling myself a feminist does exactly nothing at all. It’s like saying “I am this tall” or “I have a mustache” or “I’m not a shit-head”. I’m not exactly storming the Bastille by saying “I’m a feminist” out loud. But again, a lot of men (And WOMEN, which blows my mind) bristle at the idea of calling themselves a feminist. Those men are not Real Men. (The women, I guess, have Stockholm Syndrome or something.)

Let me make it easy for you.

A woman can do anything a man can do (except maybe pee standing up and apparently, even that’s do-able).

Women can be smart. Smarter than me. Smarter than you too, jackass.

Women can be funny. Funnier than ME. (A boot in the eye and a hearty “fuck you” to the late Christopher Hitchens.)

Women can be strong – not just physically but that too. Yes, stronger than you, jackass.

They can do math and science and anything they set their minds to. Same as a man.

So that’s what I think my self-declared feminism means to me – a woman is the same as a man. (Women are curvier and generally smell better than men. And sometimes, they bake cookies so that’s a plus, not a minus.)

I guess you could say “I’ve come a long way, baby.”


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