I don’t trust people who don’t like the Beatles. There’s something wrong with them. Everybody likes the Beatles. You don’t have to be a maniac about it (and you’re allowed to like the Who and the Kinks and the Stones as well, I GUESS) but if there isn’t ONE Beatles song that you like, then there’s something wrong with YOU. Do some Rubber Soul searching and get back to me when you come up with the right answer, whatever the right answer is for YOU.

I’m sorry to be blunt but that’s the way it is. On this issue, there’s a right answer and a wrong answer. The wrong answer is “I don’t like the Beatles, I don’t care for them. Their music is terrible.” No, YOU are terrible. By the sheer catholicism of their musical output and their rare creative synergy & genius, there has to be at least ONE SONG that they wrote that you like. Run the numbers. I’ll wait.

Maybe you like the early, jangly, skiffle-band years. Twist and Shout and all that. (Their first hit was “My Bonnie Lies Over The  Ocean”, did you know that?) Please Please Me. There’s lots to like. They came busting out of the gate and took the world by storm, literally. They were cheeky and goofy and fun. Ain’t no shame in liking “I Saw Her Standing There” better than “Revolution 9”, man.

Maybe you like the Middle Kingdom Period, Help and Rubber Soul and Revolver, when they were stretching their muscles and feeling their oats and adapting to sudden fame. Can you imagine? You were nobody Yesterday, a Fool On A Hill and now? Baby, You’re A Rich Man. Tomorrow Never Knows. Help, indeed. (By the way, as an aside ~ did John Lennon once burn down a hooker’s apartment? Because that’s always been my reading of “Norwegian Wood”. I dunno. Maybe I’m crazy.)

SGT. PEPPER’S, had there been an internet back then, would have broken it FOREVER. That chord at the end of “A Day In The Life” opened a billion Third Eyes worldwide and continues to do so. Here is where they came together so close that they inevitably exploded apart. People who like Sgt. Pepper’s are THE BEST, JERRY. THE BEST. There’s something for everyone on that record. It’s a goddamn ACHIEVEMENT.

Maybe you dig the Late Period Experimental Beatles – the weirdness of the Magical Mystery Tour, the operatic concept underneath Abbey Road, the wistful coda of Let It Be. Whatever the hell the White Album was.

Hey, man, maybe you like Wings or the Plastic Ono Band, I don’t know. I don’t know your life and frankly, I don’t care. All I’m saying is that if you don’t have a favourite Beatles song, then one shall be assigned to you.

That’s just the way it is.


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