DR YELWAR’S SOLUTION BOX!

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I’ve read the same article at least five times this week, about that moronic little cum-bubble who got fired for yelling vulgar obscenities at a female reporter outside a soccer game (which he didn’t even do, somebody else did – he just doubled down and defended it, adding a pathetic little flourish of his own, which was even worse). He lost a six-figure income, in an economy we laughably refer to as “uncertain”, for supporting Rape Culture on live tv.

The article (which wrote itself, which is why I read it five times under five different by-lines, the article self-replicates, apparently) goes like this : it starts out by saying that if you don’t know what this is about, count yourself lucky. Then it explains what this is about, this stupid “fad” and how it started and how it’s grown. Then it tsk-tsk’s a bit about how wretched our society is and rightly calls out the men standing around who did nothing. There’s perhaps an optional line that says “What about the children?” or “This is why we need sex education” but like I said, it’s optional. The End.

There are even people defending this spotty wee fuck-head, if you can believe that. They say he shouldn’t have lost his job because he did something “stupid”. That’s what they call it, his defenders, they call it “stupid”. And they’re right about that, anyway. It IS stupid. This story is so stupid, it makes the Ikea Monkey look like a play by Samuel Goddamn Beckett.

This story is stupid on a molecular level. It’s stupid when it wakes up, it goes through the day getting stupider all the time and at night, it falls asleep stupid and dreams stupid, stupid little dreams. And then it wakes up stupid again the next morning and the cycle repeats.

I am, in fact, glad this worthless parasitic little oxygen-thief was very publicly fired and lost his job. Thrilled, I am. Over-joyed, one might say. I’m happier than a 60s bubble-gum pop song, complete with a jangly chorus that’s catchier than V.D. Hopefully, his pal will also soon be toxically unemployed, just like him. I think it’s a good look for a pair of fucking scum-bags like these guys or in fact, anyone who would do such a thing. Fuck them right in the … ear.

In fact, I’d say punish them further, in a very simple way that would cost practically nothing and yet would metaphorically break something that it would be impossible to put a cast on. And it’s not just for them, oh no; this could be implemented everywhere, simply by enforcing existing nuisance laws. You’re not allowed to yell “FIRE!” in a crowded place, right? Well, you’re also not allowed to yell “SIT ON MY FACE!” or “SUCK MY COCK!”, either. Did you know that? It’s true.

It’s simple, it’s cheap, it’s guaranteed effective and it would address a serious problem in our society. If women are literally half of the population and they don’t feel safe? That’s a problem that needs addressing. We can even call it “Sensitivity Training”, if you like. “Community Service”. Whatever.

The idea is this (and you’ve seen it in every prison movie ever made) ~ they have to walk down the range of a prison, from one end to the other and back, while all the prisoners are in their cells. That’s it. There and back. A brief exit interview and then that’s it. That will simulate what it’s like being a woman in our society.

You’ve seen that scene in every prison movie, when the buss disgorges the new inmates and all the convicts in the yard all check out the “fresh fish”. There’s always a white-collar criminal or a kid who gets scared or something like that. It’s a cinematic cliché, like the guy in the war movie who wants to show you a picture of his girl-friend or the crew member wearing a red shirt. They ain’t gonna make it. Make that lesson come to life for these useless swine.

They have to hear every hoot, every holler, every cat-call, every threat, every obscenity, all at once, all for them, all over them. Maybe we can even reward the convicts for creativity in inspiring terror at the thought of imminent sexual violence. “If he pisses himself, you all get an extra pudding cup” or something. There’s a certain poetry in the language of criminals and what the hell. Everybody likes pudding.

I mean, why not? We all know what our society has become. Maybe it’ll work like a shock treatment. Guess what, pal? That feeling you felt, just walking down the range, feeling scared and vulnerable and objectified and in fear of your life and your safety? That’s how women feel all the time because of jack-asses like you.

Admittedly, it’s draconian but then, behaviour modification always is. Ask B.F. Skinner. Oh wait, you can’t he’s dead. Oh well. Anyway, it’s not like anyone actually gets hurt by this. They’re just words. We all love Free Speech, right? Plus, if it changes one mind, it’ll all be worth it.

In fact, we could try it out on, say, Bill Cosby. Maybe then he’d confess. And we can all have pudding.

*Dr. Yelwar is not an actual doctor nor does he play one on tv.

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